I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
