there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You don't make any sense
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