somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
