What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
