Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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