Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
