Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
