Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
