I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
