hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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