some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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