Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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