my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
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