best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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