I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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