i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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