She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
