Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
