Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
