your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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