You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
