i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
