Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The Olympian is in my bed
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
