Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
