i just wanna soil my oats bro
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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