Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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