He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
