I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We named our party play list daddy issues
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
