My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
