No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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