I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
