i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
