What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize