Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize