Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
