I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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