yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
