I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
