She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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