I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
