seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
