Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
