I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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