Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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