things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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