the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
