Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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