I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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