I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
