Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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