wanna go halves on a baby?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
