My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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