"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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