Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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