The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
