Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
