I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize