Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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