the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
