anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
