He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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