im drinking this country out of the recession.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
