Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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