the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
